I’m so nervous to write about this.

Break the Silence

Despite the fact that I write on a blog about birth, I really am a private person.

BUT, I really think pregnancy loss needs to be talked about in a normal birth blog – not just blogs or forums dedicated to loss.

Pregnancy loss is so common, and yet kept silent. So, I am mustering up the courage today to tell my story of one of my losses – My Chemical Miscarriage.

My Chemical Miscarriage Story

A Red Flag

Nine months or so before I got pregnant with Gabriel I was having a wonky long period and my temperature never fell below my coverline (I chart my fertility and use the Fertility Awareness Method aka FAM). For me, this was a red flag that something odd was going on.

For the non-charters, this would just be construed as a longer period, but nothing more.

However, I know my body SO well after learning FAM that I instantly knew that I should probably take a pregnancy test to at least rule that out.

I took the test, and it was positive.

My First Time

This was the first time I had ever been pregnant and I really didn’t know what to do. Should I call my OB?

I knew something was wrong, but would they be able to figure out what was wrong and fix it? After talking with a friend, I decided that I needed to make an appointment at my OB’s office.

When I called them, they blew me off that spotting/bleeding was not uncommon in pregnancy and that I shouldn’t worry. I got a little bit pushy, and then they let me make an appointment for the next day.

It helps to be pushy in these circumstances.

Threatened Miscarriage Advice

Before I went to my appointment, the only advice I was following was to put my feet up and drink water. And so I drank my body weight in water so I could save this pregnancy.

I drank so much water that when I went to my doctor’s appointment my urine was so diluted that the test was negative.

The midwife looked at me like I was crazy (I probably imagined this, as I was feeling very awkward even telling someone I was pregnant. Now they’ll know that I had sex! The horror!), but I insisted that I had indeed seen a positive test, I was spotting and that something was wrong.

Bloodwork

The midwife ordered some blood work to be done (an HCG quant) to get a quantitative result, instead of a qualitative. The results came back super low.

The next HCG quant I had done a day or two later was not higher, but even lower.

I had indeed been pregnant and had miscarried. They told me that this was called a chemical pregnancy or a chemical miscarriage.

Chemical Miscarriage Emotions

Emotionally, I had a hard time knowing what I should be feeling, thinking or even doing.

Should I feel sad?

I only had a day or two that I knew I was pregnant… and the whole time I knew something was wrong.

Was there really a baby there? Or was it some weirdo chemical thing?

I chose to believe baby. And I chose to feel a little bit sad.

But on the flip side, I was a tad excited because I knew that my husband and I had the ability to get pregnant.

Chemical Miscarriage Bleeding

I sat around in bed for a day or two, and felt sorry for myself. I let myself be really emotional and hormonal and Matt had no idea what to do with me. It was almost comical!

After that, I decided to pick myself up off the floor and pull it together as I was being a tad over-melodramatic.

As my drama was unfolding, my bleeding got heavier, but not too bad.

I don’t remember passing lots of clots or anything and the cramping wasn’t anything abnormal. I think I would describe it more like the period that never ended.

Soon, I stopped bleeding and then after that my cycles went back to normal. I took another pregnancy test with undiluted urine and this time it was definitely negative.

If I hadn’t been charting, I would never have known that I was pregnant. And I’m so glad that I know because I believe I have a child in heaven waiting for me. One day, I get to hold my babe. And I can’t wait!

I hope this was helpful.

~Lindsey